Ring of Fire

About once I year, usually near the end of winter when I've lost any residual traces of summer tan, I partake in what I'm going to call Reckless Tanning. I get tired of of being all pasty and since I even pre-paid for like 15 tans three years ago thinking "One tan is $10 but 15 is only $75, what savings! I'll use those up in 15 weeks or less!" So I go in after not seeing the sun for weeks and weeks and weeks and say Yeah! Gimme the MAXIMUM TIME!

She's also very excited.

Some how I've forgotten that I haven't seen ultra-violet rays since August and I walk into my designated tanning booth and get into the tanning bed.

Yay tanning!

As I lie there blissfully ignorant of what is about to happen, I sing along to whatever music they have playing and think about how great my new tan is going to look. As 20 minutes go by I get hotter and hotter but I stick it out because I want the most for my money and I want to be as tan as possible as soon as possible. I get out and I'm already a bit reddish but "That's just from the hot lights....?" And as I dress, and pulling on jeans hurts my skin, I realize what I've done.

Ow.

Then I realize AGAIN that I've done this every year for the past few years because the mindless college student employees are too dumb to say "Uh, you look like a ghost, maybe you should go for 1/2 the time, and work your way up." And I have gone to tanning salons where I grew up with employees (high school students who are thrilled to have a job as opposed to the college students who stand there begrudging their parents for making them get a job) who point out my lack of a tan, regardless of how they may or may not insult me, and I say, "Oh, right, I'm just used to going for the max time. Thank you for saving my life!"

For the next week or so I go about my life popping Tylenol like tic-tacs so that sitting down or lying in bed don't cause me to go into shock with pain. Eventually my bright red (the illustration is barely exaggerating) skin starts to fade and then peels, and I am left with my original skin color only one layer down. 

Sometimes I go back and try to have enough self-control to go for less time or do I not go back due to the trauma of the past three weeks. 

The time is coming this year for me to once again embark on a tanning adventure. The only question is: Will I remember to plan to go a few times, dialing back the time until my skin can take a stronger dose of UV poison? Only time will tell.

This video got cut pretty badly but it's the best I could find for you to enjoy a TV tanning adventure which is amazing. There's a better non-embeddable one here.